Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Randomize
