You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
