I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
