Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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