i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
You left your phone here
Wait...
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