Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
