Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
