I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
We have started to decorate penises.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Randomize
