So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
