remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
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