So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
We got so high we made milksteak
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
