how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
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Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
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In other news, I just burned my penis
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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