You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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