not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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