the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
