I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
