tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
