My room smells like vodka and shame
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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