At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
