Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
