I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
