Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
