I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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