Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
