new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
