i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
