THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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