The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
