Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
Randomize
