did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
