You don't have asthma, your pregnant
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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