I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.