This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.