My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.