so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Randomize
