Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
