It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Randomize
