the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
