I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Randomize
