Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
