I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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