Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
