apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
nutella sex= disaster
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
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