"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
