So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
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