i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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