is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
Let's get the cat blown out
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Bro I rebuilt the dungeon in animal crossing visit me
Broooo
Randomize
