Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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