Swine flu is the new snow day.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
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