hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you traded sex for a burrito?
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
