My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
