The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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