last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize