I just saw a hot homeless man
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
