I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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