you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
