Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
