Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
