i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
